


Speak Ill of the Dead

by Todteufelritter



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Catra Needs Therapy (She-Ra), Depressed Catra (She-Ra), F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Let Catra (She-Ra) Say Fuck, Let Glimmer (She-Ra) Say Fuck, POV Catra (She-Ra)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29473722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Todteufelritter/pseuds/Todteufelritter
Summary: Catra, Adora, Glimmer and Micah bury all that remains of Shadow Weaver.Catra handles it about as well as can be hoped.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Angella/Micah (She-Ra)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	Speak Ill of the Dead

Speak Ill of the Dead

The mask lay in front of them, on the dirt. It was a bit scorched, cracked, and chipped, and now it was no use to anyone. Yet they all looked at it, like it was the most important thing there. It was, Catra supposed. It was the reason they were here. It was so small as they looked down on it. Just a piece of junk, even less impressive than all the other wreckage of the war’s end - the ruins of the Fright Zone’s ugly buildings, the wrecked tanks and skiffs, the sunken ships and their drowned crews. All that junk that was all that was left of the cause Catra had dedicated her life to. The cause that had given her nothing, except misery and gnawing guilt and more than twenty years wasted. Three of them the worst years of her miserable life, the years that she had fought and nearly killed her best friend rather than sticking her tongue down Adora's throat like she wanted. Like they had both wanted, apparently. Catra cursed under her breath. She wasn’t drunk enough for this shit, or maybe she was too drunk. 

Catra looked up at the ruined spires and crashed spaceships of Prime’s invasion force. Still more junk, and like all of Hordak’s crap it was already being swallowed by Etheria, by the flowers and vines and leaves that Adora, her girlfriend, had unleashed everywhere. Etheria was moving on, obviously. The planet itself was covering all this death in new life. Well, maybe she could move on too. That’s what this was about. Damn she shouldn’t have hit Sparkle’s flask so hard.This pensive shit was a bit much even by her standards. Catra looked at the others around her.

Adora was beside her, looking either sad or furious, or maybe both. Sparkles was glowering and on the verge of tears at the same time and her dad, King Micah, was off to the side. Catra had no idea how to read his expression. Catra wasn't looking forward to this. She was supposed to say some words, and Shadow Weaver wasn't something Catra could talk about without losing it. She'd been trying to talk about her feelings more but this was something else entirely. At least there were only three other people here to see this. Catra stifled the urge to ask Glimmer for another drink. She was depressed enough already. Well, nothing to be done.

Catra looked around at the others. "We going get this over with?"

Adora turned to Catra. She gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze and stole a gentle glance. But when she looked back to Glimmer and Micah her gray eyes glowered like storm clouds. "Catra's right. Let's do this. Who wants to go first?"

"Fuck it, I'll do it." Glimmer half growled, half-shouted, and walked in front of the others, the mask next to her in the dirt. Behind her Micah started at his daughter's curse. Even drunk and depressed Catra cracked half a smile. Classic Sparkles.

Glimmer looked down at the mask by her side. "I suppose I could thank you for teaching me sorcery. Or for being my Royal adviser. I used what you taught me to rescue my father. So thanks for that. And you were right about the Heart of Etheria. I can't blame you for what happened. But you were a shitty adviser, Shadow Weaver. You drove me apart from my friends, you tried to teach me that I didn't need them or that they didn't understand me. Well I needed them a hell of a lot more than I ever needed you. I still need them. And they understand me so much better than you ever did. I nearly lost Bow and Adora for good. And that was my fault. But every time I drove a bigger wedge between us you told me how fucking proud you were of me. You wanted me to be alone. You told me I was stronger alone, that being a queen meant being alone. What the fuck was wrong with you?"

Glimmer's final question hung in the air. She looked at her father, her best friend, and at her former arch enemy, the woman who'd killed her mother, the woman she'd nearly killed three times over. But Glimmer looked at Catra like she was looking at the woman who had saved her life. Glimmer shook her head and looked back to the mask.

"You're not worth it." And she walked away. Catra looked on with...she didn't know how she felt. She shouldn't be surprised. Shadow Weaver drove people apart. She adopted prodigies like Sparkles and Adora and blew destiny and duty and sacrifice up their ass until they were miserable and alone. Catra saw that now. But Catra was surprised. She'd always thought Shadow Weaver was her tormentor, and maybe Adora's too, that she was special, when really this woman just made everyone miserable. Even your suffering isn't special, Catra, a voice kicked her in her head. Was that her own voice or...Catra looked at the mask...or was it hers?

Adora brushed her hand behind Catra's ears and forward across her cheek. The gesture was gentle, protective, loving. But Adora walked forward and when she turned around she looked ready to rush into battle. Her jaw was set, her broad shoulders were thrown back, she was drawn up to her full height and her eyes were still raging. She looked about ready to throw a punch, or stomp the mask into dust. She was some huge predator ready to strike. It was a little awe inspiring, and definitely scary and in better circumstances it would have been extremely hot. But Catra winced. Seeing Adora like this she couldn't help remembering the times that wrath was directed at her. She had told herself a lot of lies, but "I'm not afraid of Adora" was definitely up there. Maybe now that they shared a bed it was just easier to admit how much Adora had once terrified her. Yet another reason to hate Shadow Weaver, Catra thought.

Adora looked down at the mask like she was about to spit. "I suppose you always expected me to be grateful. And why shouldn't I be?" Adora chuckled to herself. "You always told me I was special. You trained me for greatness. And I guess I am pretty great. And I have unleashed the magic of Etheria, just like you always wanted." Adora flashed a cold smile. "And I had it so easy. You didn't beat me. You didn't tell me I was worthless. You didn't put me on half rations or no rations for no reason. You didn't choke me or torture me with your dark magic. But you did all of it to my best friend. To the woman I love." Adora looked up at Catra with tears in her eyes. "I tried to protect her, and I failed, and I made things worse but damnit you were the one hurting her! She was a child! And why!? Why did you do it? Because you thought she was a threat to me following my precious destiny? Because you couldn't use her!?" Adora turned back to the mask, looking down on it with cold fury. "And that is why I hate you. I always will. I made you two promises that last night. I promised you that you would never get your clammy hands on the magic of Etheria. And you didn't! You're dead." Adora laughed to herself. "And I promised that I will never forgive you for hurting her, or for trying to drive us apart. And I never will."

Adora gave the mask one last, contemptuous look. She walked away, straight up to Catra, and embraced her fiercely. "She failed, Catra. I have you, I am never letting go, and she can go fuck herself."

Catra broke away and looked into those fierce eyes. They were actually glowing. "Are you about to turn into She Ra? Did she piss you off that bad?"

"I think I just love you that much."

Catra shook her head and blinked back tears. "You're an idiot."

Adora just chuckled and gave Catra's shoulder a squeeze. Catra smiled weakly. What had a piece of shit like her ever done to deserve a woman like Adora? She breathed deep. Well, her girlfriend loved her enough to kill for her, she was pretty sure. That was nice. On the other hand all that remained of the woman who had tormented her was lying there, and part of her wished that Shadow Weaver was still here. Maybe to yell at. Maybe so she could kill her herself. Maybe to...she didn't know. 

Catra walked up. She couldn't even look at the mask to address it, or at anyone else. She started off looking at her feet and then looked off and go the side at a spire that was being pulled down by enormous vines. She pretended that there was no one else there, except maybe Adora. If she didn't have an audience, maybe she could say what she needed to say. Being this drunk also didn't hurt. Catra took a deep breath and began.

"I don't know what to say. I thought you would always be around I guess. I fantasized about killing you so many times, and in so many ways. I invented new ways of fighting in my head just imagining how I could hurt you better. But I guess I always knew it would never work. Nothing I could come up with to kill you ever would do the job. You'd get away, and turn up somewhere else, like you did in fucking Bright Moon. You'd change sides, change your mind, and tell us all that all the fucked up things you did were in the past, and that we were petty for even bringing it up. How fucking convenient for you." 

"But that also meant I would never have to do this. I thought I could just keep on hating you and trying to hurt your forever. And now you're gone. And there's nothing for me to hate, just a hole where you should be. Because there is so much shit that you did to me that I can never make you pay for. All that shit Adora said, plus that fucked up stuff even she doesn't know about. And you just went and fucking died, got yourself killed and now... now there is nothing. Fuck. How fucked up am I that I miss you?" Catra's voice broke. 

She felt the tears coming down her cheeks but she refused to so much as sniffle. She would ugly-cry in front of everyone but she would finish this, damnit. "I do miss you. I miss hating you and knowing there was someone to hate. I miss knowing that every breath I took was fucking offensive to your sense of cosmic Justice or whatever. And it's kind of a shame that you aren't alive to know how much I distract and corrupt your precious chosen one on a nightly basis." 

At this, Adora sputtered out a laugh and even smiled, giving Catra an incredulous leer that could only mean 'you corrupt -me-?' Sparkles blushed deeply and Micah looked away.

Catra bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood. "But that isn't it, is it? I used to envy how you treated Adora. And I still gotta say not getting choked and beaten sounds nice, not that I'd know. But when I saw you convince her, when I saw you convince the love of my life that it was her destiny or some shit to fucking kill herself to save the world, then I stopped envying her so much. You convinced her to make the sacrifice you were too chickenshit to make yourself. And that is what you'd been doing all along, teaching Adora that she didn't matter, only her destiny did. And that nearly drove us apart and so much worse than that it nearly killed her. And I hate you for that. Just like she hates you for all the beating and choking and terrorizing."

"But I do still envy Adora, because I can't just hate you like she does. She was always stronger with you than I was. She just walked away, after all. She called you on your shit in Bright Moon, apparently. Good for her." Catra chuckled and smiled at Adora with tear-filled eyes.

"But me, I don't just miss hating you. I miss not ever having a chance to make things right. To prove myself to you. And most of all, I miss never having even the chance of hearing you say you're sorry. It wouldn't have fixed everything, fuck no, but it would have been a start. And still. The second to last thing you ever said to me is maybe the kindest thing you ever said to me. Did you know it would fuck me up this much? Telling me that you're proud of me? Well good job then, because I am never getting over that shit. And that last thing. You're welcome? What the fuck."

"And now we are going to bury this mask. And I hope that Sparkles and Adora will feel better because I don't see how I can. I wish I could stop caring. If everything you did to me won't do it, I don't see how burying you will."

Catra looked down at the ground and walked away. She saw Adora rush toward her and then stop, unsure how she should continue. Catra waved a finger, nodded her head and weakly beckoned Adora on. Those strong arms embraced her. Those fingers ran themselves through Catra's hair. And Catra came apart. Chest heaving, tears streaming, barely able to choke out her breath. She was gone. Why didn't Catra feel free? Why couldn't she? Fuck this.

Catra sobbed for a while and Adora held her, silent except for a few whispered 'I love you's and 'I've got you's. Adora was used to dealing with Catra's attacks of grief and regret by now. At least this one hadn't happened after sex, Catra reflected.

Catra peeled herself off Adora's shoulder and wiped her eyes. She looked up, instantly embarrassed when she remembered Sparkles and Father Sparkles, but they were talking and not looking at her. Well that was nice.

"Damn I need a drink," he said with a laugh. Glimmer reached into her dress and handed him her spirally purple flask. 

"Aren't you a little young to be…"

"Dad I'm nearly 20, and I'm the queen. Do you want some or not?"

Micah just shook his head, muttered something about 'they grow up so fast while you're eating bugs on a death island' and knocked it back. 

He nearly spit it back up. He choked it down and started coughing. "What -is- that stuff?"

"I dunno, Sea Hawk gave it to me. He might distill it himself. Some kind of pirate booze."

"It's pure alcohol!"

Well no wonder Catra was so fucked up.

Micah took another swig and held back a cough. He returned the flask to his daughter, gave her a pat on the shoulder and walked up in front of them.

"I'd give anything for the rest of you not to be here today. I wish so damned much that I was the last of Light Spinner's pupils. She was always poison. I didn't see it, of course. I was a child." Now Micah at each if them in turn. "I was so happy when she told me how much talent I had," he said, turning to Glimmer. "When she told me I was special", he said to Adora. Finally he turned to Catra "I would do anything to make her proud. And I did." Micah bit his lip in a funny way, chuckled and looked down.

"I knew the Spell of Obtainment was wrong. But I trusted Light Spinner more than I trusted myself. And why not? She was an adult. She was a master of Mystacor. And I was nine. When it failed, she blamed me. And I blamed myself. I blamed myself for years. I was convinced that if I had just been good enough, just lived up to my potential, she would have succeeded. She never would have been scarred, or exiled, or gone over to the Horde. We would have won the war. Because that's the point of being special. Everything is your responsibility. Isn't it Adora?"

Micah looked straight at Adora, kindly but intently. Adora swallowed hard, and nodded weakly.

"I believed that until I met Angella. And by then I was older then than any of you are now. She was the first person who told me anything good about myself that wasn't about my magic, or my intelligence or being a good student. She told me I was funny, and kind and handsome and uh...a few other things that I'd rather not say." Micah half laughed and avoided his daughter's eyes. Adora chuckled. Catra would have found it hilarious if she wasn't the reason Micah would never see this woman again.

"She told me that I meant more than my talents. She told me that even when Shadow Weaver praised me she was really trying to control me. But I didn't get it until my daughter was born."

Now Micah looked straight at Glimmer. "When you were born I saw how vulnerable you were. And as you grew I saw how full of joy you were, and how completely you depended on Angella and I loving you. It was only then that could say to myself, I was a child too. Just like my baby girl. And Shadow Weaver may have told me I was special or had some destiny, and maybe that felt good, but when she told me I was responsible for so many things that I wasn't, she was hurting me. And then she blamed me for her failure, her mistake, her twisted desire for power. Adora. You said that Catra was a child. You were a child too. You weren't responsible for protecting Catra. I know you blamed yourself every time she got hurt. You didn't do it. She did. You said you made things worse? You were a child." Micah just shook his head sadly. Catra gripped Adora by the shoulders, and now Adora cried. 

"And Catra...you were a child too. It wasn't your job to keep Adora from being distracted. You weren't soldier, you were a kid! Shadow Weaver robbed you of your childhood. Both of you. And I am sorry that I wasn't there to stop her."

Now Micah turned back to his daughter. "Baby girl, I know you are going to tell me that you weren't a child. You were a young woman and a queen and you are right. But you were young. You still are. And Shadow Weaver used you. I wish I'd been there to kill her myself. I'm sorry I wasn't."

"You asked yourselves a lot today...why? Why did Shadow Weaver do this to you, to us. Why was she liked this? I used to think about it a lot myself. Did she just like seeing people suffer? Did she like controlling them? Did she only care about power?"

Micah looked straight at Catra. "Did she ever care about me?" Catra took a step back and nearly gasped. "Did she think she was doing the right thing, did she think she was making us stronger, but was she so bitter and twisted that she didn't even know how to help? Did she just think loneliness and misery and control were the only way a person could become strong?"

Micah laughed bitterly and shook his head. "But some time, after maybe my five hundredth dinner of insects on Beast Island, I realized it didn't matter. It never mattered why. All that matters is that each of us, all of us, deserved so much better than her."

Micah looked down at the ground. He took up the gardening trowel next to the mask, dug a hole in two strokes, shoved it in, and scraped the earth over it. He tamped it down there times. 

"Goodbye, teacher."

He turned away, took his daughter in his arms, and didn't look back.

**Author's Note:**

> Not just Catra's words and explicit internal monologue here but her word choice and observations are meant to reflect not just the unhappiness of depression but its extreme negativity - a tendency to see the downside of everything, and to morbidly and obsessively dwell on the worst aspects of everything. This is something we see in Catra in the show, and I think would be even more prominent if we could see her thoughts. Also, Catra is pretty fucking drunk, and not in the fun way. My headcanon for Catra and booze is that she actually quickly learns that she's a sad drunk and so probably drinks the least out of the BFS, while Adora (who gets outrageous/voluble and then just silly) and Glimmer (who gets belligerant) tend to pack it away a lot harder.


End file.
